How to talk and listen (even when it’s hard)

Talking about racial justice, environmental justice, immigration, or any other important topic can be intimidating, especially with people you care about. During these conversations, you must be able to express yourself calmly and listen well to the other parties involved. But just how do you have a constructive conversation?

I read It’s Time to Talk (And Listen) by Anastasia S. Kim, PhD and Alicia del Prado, PhD to find out how to better express myself and listen to people who have differing viewpoints. In the book, Kim and del Prado lay down eight steps one can take in order to “have constructive conversations about race, class, sexuality, ability and gender in a polarized world.” Along the way, the authors provide prompts that give readers the chance to journal or reflect on what they are learning about themselves. Here is what I learned.

You should start by identifying your goals for having the conversation.

Why do you want to have a conversation about a certain topic? It is important to understand your deeper motives before entering into a discussion. Are you talking to someone about this because you want to stand with a certain group? Is it because you are impacted by this topic yourself? Knowing this will change the way you approach the subject.

Kim and del Prado highlight grounding techniques that could help you to slow down and dig deeper. They ask readers to identify any strong emotions they are having when it comes to the subject at hand, and to think about why they may be having those emotions. Often, our goal in having a conversation about a difficult subject lies just beneath our emotions. The reason something causes us to feel fear, anxiety, or deep sadness is often the reason we feel like we must speak up. Leaning into, not shying away from, our emotions will help us understand our goals for tough conversations.

It is important to examine the challenges you may face in talking about big topics.

What “barriers” may keep you from speaking calmly and listening well? Could fear, fatigue, social norms, time, or other factors cause you to handle the situation poorly? What are the parts of this conversation that might make you cringe and struggle to maintain an even temper? Kim and del Prado ask you to identify those barriers ahead of time. That way, you can find techniques to manage your personal barriers appropriately, before the obstacles threaten to sabotage your conversation. 

Kim and del Prado also emphasize the importance of learning what self-care practices work best for you so that you can stay calm. This includes staying calm before and during the conversation; but it also means finding techniques that help you decompress afterward. The authors suggest creating a “self-care jar” with options you can pull from that help you to take care of yourself. Their list is not exhaustive, but some of their ideas include: taking a hike, going on a walk, playing your favorite sport, or listening to your favorite song.

Defining your core values will help you carry yourself well in a constructive conversation.

If you identify the virtues that are most important to you, you can allow them to guide you through difficult discussions. For example, if you define one of your top values as “compassion,” you can hold space for the person you are talking to and compassionately embrace their humanity and worth, even if you disagree deeply with what they are saying. Viewing that person through the lens of compassion will help you to speak with kindness and patience.

Kim and del Prado provide a list of other values similar to compassion for inspiration as you create your own list. They specifically highlight the value of courage, because having these conversations can be frightening.

Once you’ve done the inner prep work for having a constructive conversation, you should think carefully about how you will open the conversation with the other parties.

The way you start a conversation will “set the stage” for the rest of the discussion. What you say at the beginning has the power to cause someone to put their guard up or to let it down. Kim and del Prado provide some example phrases for starting a constructive conversation. In one such example, you could start by saying, “I’m not exactly sure how to say this,” and then add, “I hope you will consider taking a risk with me.” Your opener should show the other person that you do not think you have all the answers and invite them to engage in this exploration with you. 

Again, your values should be guiding you as you open the discussion. Remember why you are having this conversation; allow those values to flow out through your words and body language. Even though you cannot control the thoughts or emotions of the other person, you should consider how your tone, timing, and nonverbal signals will influence the way the person with which you are speaking will receive your message.

“We want to be very clear that in order for constructive conversations to be legitimate, honest, and effective, we must be brave enough to be ourselves and brave enough to not judge others through our subjective lens.”

(Kim and del Prado, 80)

When the time comes to actually have the conversation, you should keep three things in mind.

First, you should express why you have chosen to open a conversation with this specific person. What about your relationship with them is special? Why do you care enough to speak with them specifically about this issue? Sharing that reason with the person or people you are talking to could help them open up and see the value in having a difficult conversation with you.

Second, what is your experience or perspective? What are your thoughts on the issue? What is your truth that you need to speak? This is your chance to lay out what you think about the topic.  Remember, you should let your values guide you in expressing this!

Finally, what are you asking of the other person? How can you invite them to engage and connect? Is there a chance you could heal together? Keeping these three principles in mind will help you build the first part of the conversation.

In order for a conversation to be constructive, once you have shared, you must listen.

When you listen to what the other party has to say, make sure you are not listening for what you want to hear or what you think they will say. Listen instead for the words that actually come out of their mouth. Do not interrupt, give them appropriate eye contact and positive body language, and consider how you would want someone to listen to you. 

Continue to have courage to stay in the conversation even if the speaker is saying things you disagree with. As your thoughts begin to stray and you find yourself preparing a rebuttal, try instead to ground in your values and turn your attention back to the speaker. If the speaker reacts rudely, do not shut down. Consider if there is anything you could change about your delivery that would put them at ease. Also recognize that you had the time to ground yourself before the conversation, while they most likely did not. This conversation may be more difficult for them.

Now that both parties have expressed their initial thoughts and feelings, you have the chance to choose how to respond.

As Kim and del Prado repeatedly write, you must ground in your values. Go back to the core virtues that will help you stay level-headed and open. Also, thank the other person for engaging with you. This is not likely an easy conversation for them, either. Next, clarify their points. Make sure you really understand what they said. Give them the benefit of the doubt and allow them the chance to further explain if necessary.

After that, you can begin to share the impact of what their words made you think or feel. Be vulnerable and remember to highlight the value of the connection in your relationship. This will allow the listeners to continue to keep their ears, minds, and hearts open, too. Finally, express your hope for the future. What do you hope will come out of this conversation? Do you hope to open a dialogue for further discussion in the future?

Finally, you should do it all again.

Having one constructive conversation is just the beginning of a life filled with constructive conversations! After each conversation, you should reflect. Did the discussion go well? If so, what can you carry with you moving forward? If not, what do you need to improve? Is the conversation you just had resolved? Or do you need to follow up with that person?

Sometimes, even when we follow the steps to have a constructive conversation, it still does not go well. When this happens, we should be careful to reflect and make improvements to our approach next time; but we should also be careful to be gentle with ourselves. There are no perfect scenarios, and sometimes, the person you want to speak with is just not open to engaging with you. In the end, it is better to attempt to have an important conversation than not. If you follow these steps and ground in your values, you will eventually have success! 

Gaining the courage to speak up is a journey. The more you practice having constructive conversations, the better you will become at having them. Whether it is having the courage to speak with your family members about why environmental issues matter to you, or telling a friend that you are surprised they would have made a comment that was so overtly stigmatizing toward refugees, the power is in your hands! Do not be afraid to speak up about things that matter. Remember that the ultimate goal is healing for all involved.

Now it is time to ask yourself these questions. Is there a topic you would like to speak up about? Is there someone with whom you would like to have a constructive conversation? How could these lessons help you do that?

Here is a book trailer with the authors if you are interested in learning more about It’s Time to Talk (and Listen).